so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
