I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
