I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
Randomize
