In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
