We got so high we made milksteak
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?
He told her it was international road head day.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Yeah, great now I will be tampon girl
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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