I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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