Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize