I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Well we were going to compare notes, but all I could remember was throwing up, and all she could remember was kissing, so then we decided to not compare anything.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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