12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
