I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
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