If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
