Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
Randomize
