I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
