question: from what angle do you give a hand job. im confused..
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
