i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
