Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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