i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Oh god it's open bar.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
