Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
Randomize
