After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
