Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
am i the only one who has tried sucking their own cock????
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
