im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Just check with her if girls can get blown, that's all.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
