Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Randomize
