This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
Randomize
