Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
