I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
