if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Pooping to opera.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
