I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
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