Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
