I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
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