dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
