You made me cry and you don't even care
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I always wonder when I meet a guy from online if he needs a moment to mentally register and accept the size of my ass. maybe ill wear a dress.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Randomize
