DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
