I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
