Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
