tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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