So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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