At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
