i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
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