Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
Eh, my puke tasted like lemonade, so not too bad
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
