do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
me + whiskey = a bad person
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize