FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Randomize
