My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
