I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
