did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize