Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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