We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
protesters in toronto definately have the best pot
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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