i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
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