Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Can't talk, ducks in the car
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
