God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
