he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Who died my cat blue again?
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
