Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i seriously wanted to pee on her right then.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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