I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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