happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
