Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
