When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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