You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
