She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
