i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
We smoked with this guy who looked just like Hyde from that 70's show in an alley. It was a divine moment in my life.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Randomize
