I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Laughlin, where retired strippers come to die.
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Randomize
