I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
