I'm pants shitting drunk right now
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
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