For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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