soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Randomize
