You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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