So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
Randomize
