xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
BTW the amount of schmoozing I am doing towards some guy for an ID that may or may not look like you... You better love me.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
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