Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize