Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
