i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
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