if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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